And Now For Something Completely Different
by Elf Asato
Summary: Rufus has only been in office a couple of days...


And Now For Something Completely Different

Title: And Now For Something Completely Different

_Author: Elf Asato_

_Warnings: General goofiness, OOC (but come ON!  He has to pee!), slight implied yaoi_

_Pairings: None?  Maybe a little Reno+Rufus?_

_Category: Humor_

_Disclaimer: Final Fantasy and its characters don't belong to me!  Well, maybe I own Cathy, but that's it, oh yeah, and the unfortunate SOLDIER?  Maybe?  Maybe not?_

_Notes: This takes place shortly after Rufus takes the office as president of Shinra Inc.… Oh yeah, this was written while on the influence of "Comfort Eagle", "Short Skirt/Long Jacket", "Love You Madly", "Meanwhile, Rick James…", "World of Two", "Shadow Stabbing", "Pretty Pink Ribbon", "Opera Singer", and "Commissioning a Symphony in C" all by Cake.  I'm permanently under the influence of Monty Python and They Might Be Giants.  Oh yeah, I'm still swooning over Rufus Shinra… _J

Sitting in his spiffy office with one of those cool little swivel chairs, Rufus Shinra was trying to escape his father's duties by coming up with little plans on how to stop Heidegger and Scarlet from laughing so much.  During his scheming, he came upon a startling realization:

He had to go to the bathroom.

Only being in office as President of Shinra Inc. for a couple of days, he was still relatively new to the top couple of floors.  Rising up from the cool little swivel chair, he walked in front of his desk and wondered how in Sephiroth's name he was ever going to find his personal Promised Land….

Heidegger came bursting through one of the many doors, out of breath, and collapsed in front of Rufus.  "Mr. President!  It's an emergency!"

Rufus just sighed.  "What is it now?  Did you lock yourself out of your car again?"  Several times a day, Heidegger came to him with an "emergency" like that….

"No!  It's –" Before he could finish his sentence, Scarlet burst in after him, screaming, "I KNOW it was you, Heidegger!!!!!!!  You can't hide it from me!"

Rufus rolled his eyes as Heidegger slithered behind him, cowering in fear.  He didn't have time for this…he _really_ had to go….  "What now?"

"That lazy pig Heidegger drank all the coffee and didn't even bother to refill it!!!!!" Scarlet screeched as she shook with rage.

"Oh God," Rufus groaned as he put a hand to his forehead.  "Idiots, all of you…."

"I didn't do it!  I swear!  We're on that office diet contest, remember?!  I gave up coffee because it has caffeine in it!" Heidegger pleaded with his life.

"Don't lie to me, you…you…" Scarlet stuttered as she tried to find the suitable word to call him.

"Sir!" the late president's original secretary, a little woman by the name of Cathy, said as she barged into the office.  She had remained the president's secretary.  "Some visitors want to see you!  They're being extremely forceful about it, too!"

Heidegger quivered even more as he asked anxiously, "Is it Cloud and his friends????"

"Pfft, don't make me laugh," Reno said coolly as he strutted into Rufus's office, accompanied by Rude and Elena.  "Yo, Ruf', this is Elena.  She's the newest member of the Turks."

"You interrupt us just for _that_?" Scarlet said angrily, still furious about the coffee.

"Yeah, it's Turks business.  Something you wouldn't understand, dear Scarlet," Reno shrugged.

Scarlet scoffed and angrily stomped off away, grabbing Heidegger by his ear and dragging him along as well.

"So, Ruf', this is Elena," Reno introduced, "the newest member of Turks."

Squirming, Rufus said abruptly, "That's very nice, but hold that thought."  

Darting out of his office, he found himself extremely lucky – the president's private restroom was right there!  Hurriedly walking down the mini-hallway, he found the door and tried to open it…but it wouldn't….

A little camera moved from the ceiling corner to get a better view of Rufus.  "Authorization needed to enter," a voice from the camera said.  

"_What_ authorization????" he exclaimed angrily, losing his cool.

"Your identity needs to be verified, sir."

He stared at the camera in a challenge and said commandingly, "I am President Rufus Shinra and I order you to open this door!"

"I'm sorry, we need verification.  Do you have your access card, sir?"

Rufus growled to himself, remembering that his access card was on top of his desk.  "…Can't you just take my word for it?"

"I'm sorry, sir.  We'll be sending someone from SOLDIER down to assist you shortly."

Muttering darkly, Rufus saw the SOLDIER walk down the restroom hallway.  "Let me in!" he demanded, _really_ having to go.

"Do you have your access card with you, sir?" the SOLDIER asked politely.

"No I don't, but I _really_ have to go, so if you value your job, LET ME IN!" Rufus threatened angrily.

"I'm sorry, sir.  We cannot allow anyone other than the president to use this facility."

Rufus blinked.  "_Do you know who I am???????????_"

The SOLDIER just stared at him.

"_I am President Rufus Shinra of Shinra Inc. and you BETTER let me go in or ELSE!_" he threatened dangerously as he glared at the SOLDIER.

"…I need to see your access card, sir."

Rufus let out a superhuman growl and grabbed the SOLDIER, pinning him up against the wall.  

"Uh, sir?"

"_DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED TO PEE??????????????????????????_"

"I nee – "

Shaking the SOLDIER angrily, Rufus yelled out (his composure completely thrown out the window), "_I NEED TO PEE!!!!!!!!_"

"I nee-------d to------o see----------e an acce--------------------ss ca-----------------------rd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the poor SOLDIER managed to get out, what with being slammed against the wall and all….

Frustrated, Rufus slammed the SOLDIER against the wall a final time, ran out, and down a flight of stairs.  Seeing the men's room sign, he quickly flew to that facility.  Unfortunately, all of the stalls were out of order except one, which was occupied.

Knocking on the stall door, he said tersely, squirming about, "Make it quick!"

"Sorry…I just drank an entire pot of coffee….  I'll be here awhile."

Rufus blinked.  _Tseng?_  No matter, he figured it would be easiest to race up to his office and grab his access card from his desk.  Racing up the stairs, he burst into his office, only to come to a cold draft.

"Mr. President!" Cathy said quickly.  "A helicopter came for the Turks, so they're gone.  The wind ruffled your papers and knocked out the glass window, but you didn't lose anything except a library card."

"…Library card?" Rufus paled.  "I don't have a library card."

"Oh, then maybe it was your access card, but that's okay.  We'll call in another one and they'll have it up to us in less than two hours," Cathy said cheerfully.

"I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!!!!!!!!!" Rufus broke down, flopping on the floor and rolling around, trying to hold it in.  "I can't do it!"

"…Mr. President?"

"I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!" Rufus whimpered, stopping his rolling, but still clutching himself.  Getting an idea, he hopped to his feet and ordered his secretary out.

"But…what????" she protested as he shoved her out the door.

Running next door to the balcony, he stood on the edge and unzipped his pants, relieving himself over Midgar.  He finished and was in the process of zipping up when a gust of wind from a helicopter knocked him over the edge.  For dear life, he clung to the edge of the building until the helicopter finally went away.  Sighing relief, he struggled to get back over the ledge when he heard a familiar voice:

"Yo, Ruf', we're back and we brought pizza!"

Rufus backed down from the ledge and hung off it, not wanting others to see him like that.  Groaning, he thought bitterly, _Great…the Turks are here with pizza and I'm stuck hanging off this ledge with my pants and such at my ankles…  _Then he muttered sarcastically, "I love my job."

"Oo…the president doesn't seem to be here.  What do we do, Reno?" Elena asked.

"Wait for him to return!"

"Ugh," Rufus muttered as his hands hurt.

"Hey…this is a _really_ nice chair!" Reno exclaimed.

_Not the chair!_ Rufus pleaded silently.

"Oops."

Rufus nearly had a heart attack.  _What'd he do??????_

"Reno, you jackass," Rude stated.

"Ah, well, um…heh…uh, well…it's not like the president really has time to spin around anyway…."

_NO!!!!!! _Rufus silently screamed.  _What am I going to do when I'm bored _now_???_

"Mr. President?" Rufus heard Cathy ask.

"Ruf's not in here.  We're waiting," Reno explained.

"Oh.  Mr. Tseng, Miss Scarlet, and Mr. Heidegger all need to see him."

"Well bring 'em in.  The more the merrier."

_Oh great_, Rufus thought.  He cringed as he heard Heidegger guffaw and Scarlet do that annoying cackle thing….

"P-please don't hurt me!" Tseng pleaded.

Scarlet cackled again and said gleefully, "I'm deciding what your punishment for drinking all the coffee should be!"

"Hey, where's Little Red?" Heidegger asked.

Rufus cringed again at the childhood nickname.

"Dunno where Lil' Red is," Reno explained.

"…Little…Red?" Elena asked.

"Yeah, and I'm Big Red."

"…Why are you Big Red?" Rude spoke up.

"…Heheh…."

"…Dear God, Reno…."

Rufus's eyes grew big….

"I don't think the president went anywhere…" Cathy said in a worried tone.

Hearing the balcony door open, Rufus's heart raced.  It almost altogether stopped when he heard Cathy cry out, "Mr. President!  What are you doing???"

"The President?" Scarlet and Heidegger asked as everyone rushed out to the balcony.

Reno spoke up.  "Yo, Ruf', what'cha doin'?"

"Uh, nothing," he said quickly.

"Well you must be doing _something_ to be hanging off the ledge like that," Elena said timidly.

"These…buildings…are really…dirty," Rufus muttered.

"I'll mark a cleaning for them on tomorrow's schedule," Cathy chirped.

Rude's cell phone rang and he quietly answered.

"Do you need any help getting back on the balcony, Rufus?" Scarlet asked, stilling having a hold on Tseng's ear.

"Uh, no!  No…um, don't come any closer…."

Rude put his cell phone away and announced, "There've been reports of an indecently exposed man hanging off the Shinra Building's ledge…."

Rufus gulped.

Heidegger guffawed (with many evil thoughts from Rufus) while Scarlet cried out in distress, "Hurry, Rufus, we have to get you inside!  We have to make sure special security measures are taken for you!"

"No!  Um, no that's okay.  I'm fine out here…."

"Please, Mr. President.  We have to protect the president even more so due to what happened to your father," Tseng reasoned.

"No I'm fine," Rufus answered.  "Yeah…I've got a little…breeze…going on here and everything….  You guys go on inside and I'll follow."

Heidegger guffawed, "But Rufus –"

"DO IT!" Rufus yelled, "Or NO ONE gets paid this month!"

They were still there.

Getting the hint (and being all-knowing as he is), Rude announced, "Hey, back there, are those donuts?"

He blinked and they were gone.

Figures… 

Rufus attempted to climb back up on the balcony, but he couldn't do it!  He growled and cursed, but that didn't even help.

"Need any help?" an unfamiliar voice as a blue glove extended itself to him.

Quickly Rufus grabbed onto the glove and was pulled up by the Shinra SOLDIER belonging to the glove.

"President Shinra!" he squeaked.  Looking down, he quickly looked back up and squeaked again, "_President Shinra!_"

"Turn around, NOW!" Rufus ordered as both of them did so.

"I, er, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. President," the SOLDIER stammered.  "I was asked to investigate up here because there were reports of an indecently exposed man hanging off the ledge of the Shinra Building."

As Rufus pulled up his pants, he thought about tripling the SOLDIER's salary for doing this, but then he realized he had a reputation to maintain and if word got out that the president turned soft, then, well, it'd all be over.  "Gah…zipper's stuck…."

The SOLDIER's eyes widened and he chanted to himself softly, "I will _not_ look back.  I will _not _look back.  I will _not_ look back…."

"Grr, it's caught on something," he muttered as he pulled.  Giving out a mighty heave-ho pull, he accidentally knocked his shotgun onto the ground.

BANG 

"AHH!!!!!!!"

"There.  That did it," Rufus said as he finished with his pants.  He turned around and saw the SOLDIER running around holding his butt.  "Ah, that's unfortunate."

"What was that sound?" Scarlet asked as Rufus heard footsteps near the balcony door.

Quickly Rufus grabbed the SOLDIER, dropped his pants, and shoved him over just in time for everyone to see the indecently exposed man rolling around holding his butt.

"The lecher tried to assault me!" Rufus accused as he nudged the rolling man with his shoe.

"See, Little Red?" Heidegger said.  "Scarlet was _right_.  You need more protection than you're getting."

"_I'll_ protect Little Red," Reno volunteered.

"What a splendid idea!" Scarlet chimed.  "When we go to Junon, Reno can protect the president."

While Heidegger, Scarlet, and Cathy overwhelmed poor Rufus with boring details about the trip to Junon, Reno gloated about having the honor of protecting the president.

"This'll make the Turks famous!" Elena said excitedly.

"I can see the headline now…President Molested by Turk…." Rude muttered ruefully.

"That's not the headline I'm seein'," Reno smirked as he literally glided off in his own happy little world.

"Hey, Reno!  Wait up!" Elena called as she ran after him.

"Whew…" Tseng muttered from behind Rude as he inched even more away from Scarlet.  "Finally got away from the witch…." 

He tried inching into the office, but Scarlet yelled out, "Hold it, Tseng!"

_I hate being president_, Rufus thought ruefully.  "Hey, is that Cloud?!" he asked, pointing his finger to God-knows-where.

"What?!  Where?!" Heidegger and Scarlet panicked.

Rufus slipped off.

"What?  Hey, where's the president?" Scarlet asked, leaving Heidegger on the wild goose chase for Cloud.  "No matter.  There's Tseng I have to punish!"

Poor Tseng groaned as Scarlet dragged him off.

"Wait, Scarlet, there are special procedures you have to go through to punish a rude coffee drinker!" Cathy called out as she ran after them.

Heidegger just kept roaming around, looking for the ex-SOLDIER.

Rude shrugged and went off to go find the donuts he knew he saw….

The poor SOLDIER just rolled around, holding his butt.

A little while later………..

Rufus sat at his desk, smacking Reno over the head with the Large Shinra Book of Rules and Procedures for breaking his swivel chair, while Elena took notes.  Rufus stopped his smacking abruptly and stated, "…I'm thirsty."

Reno gave a feral smile.

Rufus smacked him again.

"I think the drinks are on the 60th floor or something," Elena stated.

Giving this some thought, Rufus decided to just wait until Cathy, Scarlet or Heidegger came back.

In the meantime, he'd amuse himself by smacking Reno. J

~Owari~

Ah, my first FFVII fic….  A milestone with just that, but it's also one of my first NON-ANGSTY fics!  WOW!  Heh, I already have my favorite yaoi pairing…Reno and Rufus. J  I also like Reno and Tifa, but that's not yaoi. L

Hope you enjoyed!!!!


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